Bother to NOT take your partner for granted, and get the spark back in your relationship
Taking your partner for GRANTED is the quickest way to chip away at their overall happiness and diminish their romantic desire for you. Regularly thanking your partner for everything they do DO for you, and voicing how they make your life better, can significantly change your love relationship.
Let’s confess. We all do it. Once the fireworks and super excitement and crazy lust has all worn off, at some point we stop noticing how our partner greatly enhances our lives. What seemed so loving, selfless, unexpected, and cute in the beginning (he replaced your hubcap as a surprise and she bought new stylish bedding for him) somehow has become boring or even subconsciously EXPECTED.
Humans are funny. We spend a lot of time hoping and looking for a loving relationship to be in, then once we are in a relationship, we wonder if we should be in it.
The qualities that we noticed and really liked after the first few months seem to be forgotten years into coupledom. Have those qualities in our partner changed? Or have we just become so complacent about noticing because we are now so focused on what our partner is “doing wrong” or “not doing at all?”
So what comes first? He or she stopped bothering to do the nice things? Or you stopped noticing and showing your deep adoration for the little things they do for you day in and day out? Catch 22? The question is why do we do that?
When real life sets in and the days are super busy with work, chauffeuring the kids around, taxes, groceries, making meals, housework, planning trips, cleaning cars, sickness, dealing with family etcetera etcetera …a natural role becomes played by each partner.
When you partner busts their ass at the office or in the home….Notice.
I promise I am not making assumptions as to whom plays what role but for arguments sake just today, let’s say he has the higher income earning job and is gone longer in the day and she does all of the annoying but super important thankless crap like grocery shopping to keep her family alive, preparing meals, house cleaning, laundry, dealing with chauffeuring the kids everywhere, a job of her own, and listening to all of his mother in laws problems. (Like I said only today we will assume these roles, but tomorrow’s article I promise to reverse them!)
Just reading this paragraph has probably stressed you out and become annoying and you are about to tune me out… BUT WAIT!!!
Sit back and think about all of the things your partner does for you. Don’t take ANYTHING for granted. Yes, you will have your turn to be adored and appreciated, but right now it is about what YOU are grateful for about YOUR PARTNER.
If you aren’t sure how or where to start on your “Get The Spark Back In Your Relationship” list… here are some examples of the very basics you can start with:
- They love you! They don’t have to.
- They put up with your crap
- They drive your kid(s) to sports
- They go to work long hours to help pay for YOUR life
- They pickup groceries for you
- They wash your dirty clothes
- They help clean the house
- They text you throughout the day
- They wash the car
- They take care of your mother in law
- They chat with you
- They make love to you
- They are your travel companion
- They notice when you are sad
- They visit you in the hospital
- They change your kids dirty diapers
- They pick you up when you’ve had too much to drink
The list goes on and on and on and is unique to each couple. I’m only scratching the surface here. The more committed the couple is and the longer you have been in a relationship then most likely the longer the list is. Go back in your head and go over the many many years of favors and kindness. Fall in love with your partner all over again. There are a lot of lonely people out there that don’t have what you have. Don’t forget that ever. A relationship is not to be taken for granted. If both partners can be on board with that …evolving can happen.
Your list is such a beautiful opportunity to SHOW your love and adoration for your partner, which will play a major role in elevating their self -esteem because in the end everyone just wants to be loved and appreciated . I call it honoring. When you partner feels completely loved and appreciated (honored) it is amazing what can come back to you!
Think about your list and all of the times you could have been first PERSONALLY grateful, and then actually TOLD your partner how grateful you are. It may seem foreign and weird at first to voice it out loud because of your complacent rut that has developed over the years… but do it anyway. And yes!…You have to go first not your partner. And no, in this particular moment you are NOT allowed to say to me “ Ya but you don’t understand all of the things he/she isn’t doing!” …and why you are so pissed off. That comes later so feel good that you can file it away. Done now? OK let’s continue…back to adoring our partner and not solely thinking about ourselves.
I personally have gone through this with my relationship. The drastic change it can create between you and your partner truly is noteworthy. To be told by your partner of 10 years something what they appreciate about you EVERY SINGLE DAY is truly relationship changing. I’m going to give some random examples below on how to express the gratitude to your partner…You will have different ones.
- “Babe I’m so lucky to wake up every day to someone who loves me”
- “It’s so awesome to wake up and someone ELSE has already made the coffee. I will never take that for granted ever.” (This can create a moment when you can snuggle into his arms and kiss his cheek, which will make him feel SIGNIFICANT! (A man needing to feel significant is a whole article on it’s own coming very soon.)
- “ Hey babe thanks so much for picking up my dry cleaning yesterday… I appreciate how much you love me and do for me.”
Many women start to take for granted their husband’s going to work each day. I see it all the time and it saddens me. I’m not at all saying that what the woman does each day isn’t equally as exhausting or more, and yes your man may over time take that for granted too. But, think about what your financial life could look like if he didn’t exist. I hear women say “Ya but going to work is easy I’ll trade places…” We aren’t talking about you right now though. Remember? That comes later. So let’s be real here. Going every day to work whether it is at an office or the downstairs basement…whether he is employed, or owns his own company, can be super tedious and even SUCK! Men would love to take days off and have no repercussions . Some men don’t even like their job. In fact they may think their job royally sucks. They may be so bored or annoyed they want to tell their boss off and run for the sunset. But they don’t quit. Why is that? Because they know it doesn’t just affect them. Who does it affect then? You. Possibly you and some kids. Don’t forget the mortgage. Now that’s a lot of stress and a big weight isn’t it? Isn’t it? ( No that’s not a typo I meant to write it twice.) I’ve personally always been the 2nd income. I will admit it full-heartedly. It is still to this day more commonly expected that the man have the FIRST income…and hers be the second income when kids come. You can hate me for saying that but all I do is look around at all of the families that surround me and count who has that set up. Serious majority. That means that in most families the men carry a huge stressor. End of story. Validate that for yourself and then him. Let him whole- heartedly know how much you appreciate everything he does to keep you and your children off the street. Thanks to his contribution you know you have a home to live in, and food on the table for your precious children. Everything else is an amazing HARD EARNED bonus.
Humans can be scared to tell their partner how much they love, appreciate, and need them. Usually because we feel vulnerable and are so concerned that WE need to feel validated by our existence in their life FIRST. I remember a man saying post divorce the reason he didn’t tell his partner that she was beautiful (she was drop dead gorgeous) was he feared it would go to her head, and that she will feel she “has him by the balls” which in another language means he didn’t want to feel vulnerable. It was the same for why he didn’t tell her what an amazing mother she was, and how much he was grateful for the things she did for him. What destroyed that marriage was all of HIS deep seated fears blocking him from being an AWESOME husband which is all that she had wanted.
In my practice with most couples the first thing I get each partner to do before sorting out the issues and challenges is to write out what your partner DOES do to enhance your life. Being the receiver of the love list has brought many to tears. (Joy tears).
Being the giver of the list can reconnect you to your truest self…The generous loving self you actually are, and are craving to be again. The self you had disconnected from.
Try the “Get The Spark Back In Your Relationship” list for yourself! There is a good chance your partner might not be used to your re-awakened adoration, and may think you sniffed something funny. At the end of the day, show them this article and you may get the favor returned. Wink.
Take the first step… Get relationship & marriage counseling today.