Are you bored with your relationship? For anyone that has been in a long-term relationship you have probably felt bored at some point. A long-term feeling of being “bored” can lead to sadness, depression and even affairs. This feeling of being “bored” can cause many to sub-consciously sabotage their relationship that was actually a great relationship.
Do you sub-consciously sabotage your relationship when YOU feel bored?
When we are single we are also likely to feel boredom (and loneliness) at some point. I know for myself when I have been single everything seemed a bit more boring. Same old thing day in and day out without the excitement in sharing life with someone else. So single, I felt bored and always looking for an exciting night out with friends. Anything to bring stimulation and fun to divert my attention away from MYSELF and my blah, bored feeling.
Single…I was who I was, with the emotions and baggage and whatever else all humans come with… The good, the bad, and the ugly. Now unless you have done some major work on yourself prior to going into a relationship, you are still that exact same person when you enter into coupledom. When we finally meet someone else and the sparks fly and the crazy hormones full of LUST and LOVE happen, it is such an amazing and stimulating feeling. This feeling is NEW and different from the way you have felt alone. It has created a new bounce in your step and a smile on your face. Having someone else think you are super awesome and sexy makes YOU feel different about yourself. A new love who thinks you are pretty interesting and special can actually temporarily make YOU feel pretty interesting and special. We are still that same person we were when we came into the relationship but someone ELSE has temporarily given us a feeling of excitement and newness. You also have a NEW lusty energy towards someone else.
Now I certainly don’t want to take away from how real and amazing chemistry and new love are with what I am about to talk about. All of it IS real and meant to be that way, but as most of us know after awhile it has been PROVEN by science that our hormones involved in that initial crazy lust do wear off…For both the MAN and the WOMAN. Then you mix that fact, with the fact that you have gotten to know your partner very well with the amount of hours spent with them over the years. You have finished finding out everything about their job, their friends, their family, their bodies, their books, their workouts, their food preferences and all of their daily idiosyncrasies…The idiosyncrasies you like and the ones you don’t like. Now you are in a deeper relationship, and if you haven’t broken up by this point, you most likely have accepted most things about that person.
Now, you as a couple have entered the normalcy phase. It doesn’t feel like you will learn anything more about your mate…You’ve had sex hundreds or thousands of times and routines and patterns have formed. Feels fine or even nice. It’s comfortable, soothing, and safe. You know the parts of your partner you are good with, and the parts you aren’t so fond of, and then this goes on for years. The hormonal honeymoon phase has now passed.
You can only hide from yourself for so long within a relationship.
So now you are once again left with the person YOU are…but now within the relationship. The person YOU are WITHOUT the new relationship hormones,and without the desire to know everything about this person.You can only hide from yourself for so long within a relationship. Now this is where it gets interesting. This is the choice point.
You are now in the place where the excitement has subsided. You probably love your partner but may be feeling blasé.
This is the perfect time to ask yourself “Are you bored with your relationship or have YOU become boring within the relationship”
I’ve found that for a lot of couples this is when things can start to go downhill. I’ve also experienced that it is because the blasé partner sub-consciously or consciously blames the other person for their blasé feeling. People who have a hard time with commitment often run when the choice point arrives. And it always arrives.
Just like new love distracts you from yourself through excitement and lust…blaming your partner for not giving you that excited new feeling anymore is all too common.
The choice point is when a person can either blame the other partner for their own lack of bounce in their step OR take full responsibility for being back to whom they have always been. A human. A human with hopes and dreams that may or may not have come true, certain sadness or regrets that have always been there, career or financial desires that may not have come true, possible personality traits that are self -sabotaging and truthfully have nothing to do with their partner.
It saddens me to see that ones own unfinished work on themselves and in their life gets projected onto their partner. For most, it is easier to blame someone else instead of finally going within and doing the hard work within themselves. Just like new love distracts you from yourself through excitement and lust…blaming your partner for not giving you that excited new feeling anymore is all too common. It becomes expected that your partner still “fills you up” and makes you feel “awesome about yourself”. So has your partner changed or are you finally having to face yourself again once the honeymoon hormones have worn off? (Remember this is backed up by science).
It’s extremely important when at the choice point that one goes deep within themselves and spends time on introspection and starts to ask themselves the important questions about feeling blasé.
Some of those important questions to ask yourself in this “Are You Bored With Your Relationship or Have You Become Boring Within the Relationship” discussion are:
- Who was I before I entered the relationship and WHY was I seeking a relationship?
- Do I have a tendency to hope others “fill me up?” or make me “love myself?”
- Are there parts of my personality that needed work before the relationship? If so which parts?
- Do I have unmet dreams about my career or life? (remember you are not allowed to blame your partner for those.)
- Do I get bored easily if I don’t have others to rely on to constantly stimulate me? Do I feel it is my partner’s daily job to make me feel good about myself?
- Do I run to have an affair to make me feel awesome again?
- What personal growth have I done since entering this relationship, and have I openly supported my partner’s growth as well? (without feeling threatened?)
- What have I done to bring excitement to this relationship and excitement to my own personal life?
- Are my own personal unmet dreams and unachieved personal growth the true reason for my boredom or restlessness?
- What parts of my life do I hate and wish I could change?
- What parts of myself do I dislike and wish I could change?
If you love your partner then it is important to really take the time to look at this. Being open with your partner about the way you are feeling about unmet desires/dreams, and the changes and growth you want to work on is important. Your partner too most likely has unmet dreams and personal growth that could take place. Listen to theirs as well. What can both of you do to support the growth your partner wants to continue to work on, and how can you accomplish all of these things as a couple? Being in a comfortable relationship is not an excuse for stagnancy. Constant growth is imperative to a fulfilling and full life. You cannot change a relationship if you are unwilling to take a look at yourself first, and then the role you play in the state of the relationship.
This article scratches only the very very surface of some questions you can ask yourself to promote the growth in your relationship, AND your own self.
If you would like to go through a life changing relationship program where in you and your partner evolve and grow as a couple, and have more excitement and the best life and relationship possible contact Ann Munroe at :
relationship & marriage counseling and coaching
Marriage Coaching Vancouver BC
