Blog - Evolve Relationships

Healthy Detachment From Your Relationship Drama using The 3 Legged Stool Paradigm

February 10, 2017 by Ann Munroe Leave a Comment

“The top of the stool is your love for each other…The relationship”

One of the most healing thought process’s I learned from one of my past teachers (a very evolved and super successful relationship coach) was something called the “3- legged stool” paradigm. Not only was this woman a very effective coach, but she had maintained the most amazing relationship with her spouse year after year. She is excellent at using the ” Healthy Detachment from Your Relationship Drama” paradigm.

If you were to google “3 legged stool” you would find numerous definitions both in business and in relationship subjects. The particular one that I learned has stayed with me, and helped me immensely in my relationship and as a human being. Working through this thought process when needed has taken a huge amount of stress off my heart, my emotions, and my nervous system.

I was inspired to write about the 3-legged stool paradigm now, because I am going through something at this particular moment myself in my own long-term relationship . Because I am so passionate about sharing this thought process…it has been on my “to do” list to write about it for months now. I now know why I hadn’t found the time…It’s meant to be that I write about it WHILE I am going through it myself. When I was a lot younger, and used to be in a relationship with what I didn’t know at the time was a full -fledged narcissist. This paradigm would have been a life saver for my young inexperienced soul.

The first leg is you.The second leg is your partner,

and the third leg is the issue you are fighting about

The 3- legged stool paradigm is so simple and you need to keep it simple.There is nothing deep and complicated about it, and don’t be tempted to complicate it for yourself.

The top of the stool…the round part… is the relationship…the love between the 2 of you…the relationship is it’s own entity.
One of the legs is you (a singular entity)
One of the legs is your partner (a singular entity)
The 3^rd leg is the current “hurtful issue or love drama.” It is a separate entity entirely from your love for each other… a separate entity from YOU (one leg), and a separate entity from your partner as a whole being (the other leg).

If you can separate the issue at hand with your true love for each other, and also separate it from HOW you view your partner as a WHOLE person it will be a lot easier and less emotional to get through it. You can consciously NOT take this on as a problem with you, or a problem with your partner, but more like a 3^rd leg that needs to be talked about or worked through with a coach.

Think about it as if you were two lovers going for a hike. You are walking a path together side by side and you each have heavy backpacks. Eventually one of you gets an irritating blister that no one expected. This wasn’t how the day was supposed to go in either of your minds. Even though you are not at that campsite yet …your partner has to sit down and then proclaims “That’s it! I’m not going a step further until you give me the pack of band- aids!” You each were responsible to bring different things in your backpack for BOTH of you to use. Your partner had asked you to bring the band- aids since they had just bought new hiking shoes. Oh Shit… You realize you forgot to put them in your pack.

Now you can start thinking about all of the ways this could turn out. Depending on the type of relationship you have right now this could get ugly. Will the blistered hiker get angry and upset and say “You don’t love me! You always forget the important things I ask for! You are so lazy and forgetful and now look!” If you really cared for me deeply you wouldn’t have forgotten the band aids!” The blistered hiker could interpret this mistake for not being loved properly.

And then there is the band -aid forgetter… the partner who made the mistake. What will their reaction be to what their lover has just said to them? Most likely band-aid forgetter already felt super guilty inside and probably ashamed. Will band-aid forgetter become defensive and mean back? Will he/she take on emotionally what their partner has just said about them? Or can these two lovers quickly separate themselves from the emotions and heart hurts and start using the 3 legged stool paradigm?

In this hiker scenario the top of the stool is the love between them that made them want to spend the day together in the first place. One leg is the blistered hiker, and the other leg is the hiker who forgot the band-aids. If these 2 hikers can separate their love for each other from the issue of the band aids, and then separate who the band aid forgetter is as a WHOLE person from the mistake, then no one has to take on hurt and pain that can slowly deteriorate the relationship. The band- aid forgetter also needs to separate what their partner has just said about them and deposit that into the 3^rd leg… ie “the issue leg”.

NOW is when that 3^rd leg can be discussed between the relationship coach and the two hiking lovers. The 3^rd leg being the derogatory comments made to each other that can cause long term hurt and resentment… The 3^rd leg being a separate entity from the 2 people that love each other.

Examples of just a couple of questions a good relationship coach could start by asking the blistered hiker in the presence of their partner could be:

I heard you say to your lover “You always forget the important things I ask for!” What does always mean? Does it mean every time? Half the time? Sometimes?
What comes up for you when your partner forgets a task that you asked him/her to do ? What does it make you think? Do you feel it in your body as well as your brain? If so where?

It doesn’t matter how small or trivial the drama is, or how extremely serious and hurtful this drama could potentially be. Use it and you will not only mature and evolve as a person, but it can save yourself a ton of unnecessary extra inner emotional turmoil and hurt or anger.

When coaching, I eventually get to the place with the couple where in we can look at that 3^rd leg as a completely separate thing from “their love” and a completely separate thing from who each partner is as a human. Then, it is much easier without emotions flying to look at and WORK THROUGH the 3^rd leg as being separate from the couple itself.

Here are examples of a 3^rd leg that are NOT a reflection of you or anything you have done, but simply a 3^rd leg. They are also not a reflection of the totality of your partner (2^nd leg), nor the totality of the “love relationship” (the top of the stool.) Before reading the examples list below it’s important that I am clear that I am not saying the issues (3^rd leg) shouldn’t be dealt with. They do need to be discussed and worked through with a trained relationship coach or counselor, but instead of taking these issues personally or judging your partner to be a total jerk, they are worked out as something separate from you two as whole human beings.

Your partner has been moody and short with you.
Your partner hasn’t been paying attention to you as much as usual.
Your partner chose to go out with buddies instead of having a date with you.
Your partner isn’t interested in some of your passions (art, movies, plays, golf, football, yoga, meditation, travel etc…)
Your partner forgot to take the garbage out or pickup your dry cleaning.
Your partner didn’t follow your exact expectations regarding the time and way he should be putting the kids to bed.
Your partner doesn’t want to move in with you yet.
Your partner isn’t ready for marriage yet.
Your partner doesn’t really want to go visit your mother in law.
Etc, Etc, Etc…..

Once you are capable and willing to look at each “issue” that comes up throughout the relationship as a 3^rd leg and not a reflection of whether your partner loves you or not, then working through the upset becomes a lot easier and freeing.

If you have a 3^rd leg issue in your relationship causing hurt and resentment that needs working through in a productive, safe environment book a consult with Ann Munroe

or at:

Vancouver Marriage Counseling

Marriage Coaching Vancouver BC

Are You Bored With Your Relationship or Have YOU Become Boring Within the Relationship?

January 25, 2017 by Ann Munroe Leave a Comment

Are you bored with your relationship? For anyone that has been in a long-term relationship you have probably felt bored at some point. A long-term feeling of being “bored” can lead to sadness, depression and even affairs. This feeling of being “bored” can cause many to sub-consciously sabotage their relationship that was actually a great relationship.

Do you sub-consciously sabotage your relationship when YOU feel bored?

When we are single we are also likely to feel boredom (and loneliness) at some point. I know for myself when I have been single everything seemed a bit more boring. Same old thing day in and day out without the excitement in sharing life with someone else. So single, I felt bored and always looking for an exciting night out with friends. Anything to bring stimulation and fun to divert my attention away from MYSELF and my blah, bored feeling.

Single…I was who I was, with the emotions and baggage and whatever else all humans come with… The good, the bad, and the ugly. Now unless you have done some major work on yourself prior to going into a relationship, you are still that exact same person when you enter into coupledom. When we finally meet someone else and the sparks fly and the crazy hormones full of LUST and LOVE happen, it is such an amazing and stimulating feeling. This feeling is NEW and different from the way you have felt alone. It has created a new bounce in your step and a smile on your face. Having someone else think you are super awesome and sexy makes YOU feel different about yourself. A new love who thinks you are pretty interesting and special can actually temporarily make YOU feel pretty interesting and special. We are still that same person we were when we came into the relationship but someone ELSE has temporarily given us a feeling of excitement and newness. You also have a NEW lusty energy towards someone else.

Now I certainly don’t want to take away from how real and amazing chemistry and new love are with what I am about to talk about. All of it IS real and meant to be that way, but as most of us know after awhile it has been PROVEN by science that our hormones involved in that initial crazy lust do wear off…For both the MAN and the WOMAN. Then you mix that fact, with the fact that you have gotten to know your partner very well with the amount of hours spent with them over the years. You have finished finding out everything about their job, their friends, their family, their bodies, their books, their workouts, their food preferences and all of their daily idiosyncrasies…The idiosyncrasies you like and the ones you don’t like. Now you are in a deeper relationship, and if you haven’t broken up by this point, you most likely have accepted most things about that person.

Now, you as a couple have entered the normalcy phase. It doesn’t feel like you will learn anything more about your mate…You’ve had sex hundreds or thousands of times and routines and patterns have formed. Feels fine or even nice. It’s comfortable, soothing, and safe. You know the parts of your partner you are good with, and the parts you aren’t so fond of, and then this goes on for years. The hormonal honeymoon phase has now passed.

You can only hide from yourself for so long within a relationship.

So now you are once again left with the person YOU are…but now within the relationship. The person YOU are WITHOUT the new relationship hormones,and without the desire to know everything about this person.You can only hide from yourself for so long within a relationship. Now this is where it gets interesting. This is the choice point.

You are now in the place where the excitement has subsided. You probably love your partner but may be feeling blasé.

This is the perfect time to ask yourself “Are you bored with your relationship or have YOU become boring within the relationship”

I’ve found that for a lot of couples this is when things can start to go downhill. I’ve also experienced that it is because the blasé partner sub-consciously or consciously blames the other person for their blasé feeling. People who have a hard time with commitment often run when the choice point arrives. And it always arrives.

Just like new love distracts you from yourself through excitement and lust…blaming your partner for not giving you that excited new feeling anymore is all too common.

The choice point is when a person can either blame the other partner for their own lack of bounce in their step OR take full responsibility for being back to whom they have always been. A human. A human with hopes and dreams that may or may not have come true, certain sadness or regrets that have always been there, career or financial desires that may not have come true, possible personality traits that are self -sabotaging and truthfully have nothing to do with their partner.

It saddens me to see that ones own unfinished work on themselves and in their life gets projected onto their partner. For most, it is easier to blame someone else instead of finally going within and doing the hard work within themselves. Just like new love distracts you from yourself through excitement and lust…blaming your partner for not giving you that excited new feeling anymore is all too common. It becomes expected that your partner still “fills you up” and makes you feel “awesome about yourself”. So has your partner changed or are you finally having to face yourself again once the honeymoon hormones have worn off? (Remember this is backed up by science).

It’s extremely important when at the choice point that one goes deep within themselves and spends time on introspection and starts to ask themselves the important questions about feeling blasé.

Some of those important questions to ask yourself in this “Are You Bored With Your Relationship or Have You Become Boring Within the Relationship” discussion are:

Who was I before I entered the relationship and WHY was I seeking a relationship?
Do I have a tendency to hope others “fill me up?” or make me “love myself?”
Are there parts of my personality that needed work before the relationship? If so which parts?
Do I have unmet dreams about my career or life? (remember you are not allowed to blame your partner for those.)
Do I get bored easily if I don’t have others to rely on to constantly stimulate me? Do I feel it is my partner’s daily job to make me feel good about myself?
Do I run to have an affair to make me feel awesome again?
What personal growth have I done since entering this relationship, and have I openly supported my partner’s growth as well? (without feeling threatened?)
What have I done to bring excitement to this relationship and excitement to my own personal life?
Are my own personal unmet dreams and unachieved personal growth the true reason for my boredom or restlessness?
What parts of my life do I hate and wish I could change?
What parts of myself do I dislike and wish I could change?

If you love your partner then it is important to really take the time to look at this. Being open with your partner about the way you are feeling about unmet desires/dreams, and the changes and growth you want to work on is important. Your partner too most likely has unmet dreams and personal growth that could take place. Listen to theirs as well. What can both of you do to support the growth your partner wants to continue to work on, and how can you accomplish all of these things as a couple? Being in a comfortable relationship is not an excuse for stagnancy. Constant growth is imperative to a fulfilling and full life. You cannot change a relationship if you are unwilling to take a look at yourself first, and then the role you play in the state of the relationship.

This article scratches only the very very surface of some questions you can ask yourself to promote the growth in your relationship, AND your own self.

If you would like to go through a life changing relationship program where in you and your partner evolve and grow as a couple, and have more excitement and the best life and relationship possible contact Ann Munroe at :

relationship & marriage counseling and coaching

Vancouver Marriage Counseling

Marriage Coaching Vancouver BC

One Thing You Can Do Today To Get the Spark Back in Your Relationship

January 15, 2017 by Ann Munroe Leave a Comment

Bother to NOT take your partner for granted, and get the spark back in your relationship

Taking your partner for GRANTED is the quickest way to chip away at their overall happiness and diminish their romantic desire for you. Regularly thanking your partner for everything they do DO for you, and voicing how they make your life better, can significantly change your love relationship.

Let’s confess. We all do it. Once the fireworks and super excitement and crazy lust has all worn off, at some point we stop noticing how our partner greatly enhances our lives. What seemed so loving, selfless, unexpected, and cute in the beginning (he replaced your hubcap as a surprise and she bought new stylish bedding for him) somehow has become boring or even subconsciously EXPECTED.

Humans are funny. We spend a lot of time hoping and looking for a loving relationship to be in, then once we are in a relationship, we wonder if we should be in it.

The qualities that we noticed and really liked after the first few months seem to be forgotten years into coupledom. Have those qualities in our partner changed? Or have we just become so complacent about noticing because we are now so focused on what our partner is “doing wrong” or “not doing at all?”

So what comes first? He or she stopped bothering to do the nice things? Or you stopped noticing and showing your deep adoration for the little things they do for you day in and day out? Catch 22? The question is why do we do that?

When real life sets in and the days are super busy with work, chauffeuring the kids around, taxes, groceries, making meals, housework, planning trips, cleaning cars, sickness, dealing with family etcetera etcetera …a natural role becomes played by each partner.

When you partner busts their ass at the office or in the home….Notice.

I promise I am not making assumptions as to whom plays what role but for arguments sake just today, let’s say he has the higher income earning job and is gone longer in the day and she does all of the annoying but super important thankless crap like grocery shopping to keep her family alive, preparing meals, house cleaning, laundry, dealing with chauffeuring the kids everywhere, a job of her own, and listening to all of his mother in laws problems. (Like I said only today we will assume these roles, but tomorrow’s article I promise to reverse them!)

Just reading this paragraph has probably stressed you out and become annoying and you are about to tune me out… BUT WAIT!!!

Sit back and think about all of the things your partner does for you. Don’t take ANYTHING for granted. Yes, you will have your turn to be adored and appreciated, but right now it is about what YOU are grateful for about YOUR PARTNER.

If you aren’t sure how or where to start on your “Get The Spark Back In Your Relationship” list… here are some examples of the very basics you can start with:

They love you! They don’t have to.
They put up with your crap
They drive your kid(s) to sports
They go to work long hours to help pay for YOUR life
They pickup groceries for you
They wash your dirty clothes
They help clean the house
They text you throughout the day
They wash the car
They take care of your mother in law
They chat with you
They make love to you
They are your travel companion
They notice when you are sad
They visit you in the hospital
They change your kids dirty diapers
They pick you up when you’ve had too much to drink

The list goes on and on and on and is unique to each couple. I’m only scratching the surface here. The more committed the couple is and the longer you have been in a relationship then most likely the longer the list is. Go back in your head and go over the many many years of favors and kindness. Fall in love with your partner all over again. There are a lot of lonely people out there that don’t have what you have. Don’t forget that ever. A relationship is not to be taken for granted. If both partners can be on board with that …evolving can happen.

Your list is such a beautiful opportunity to SHOW your love and adoration for your partner, which will play a major role in elevating their self -esteem because in the end everyone just wants to be loved and appreciated . I call it honoring. When you partner feels completely loved and appreciated (honored) it is amazing what can come back to you!

Think about your list and all of the times you could have been first PERSONALLY grateful, and then actually TOLD your partner how grateful you are. It may seem foreign and weird at first to voice it out loud because of your complacent rut that has developed over the years… but do it anyway. And yes!…You have to go first not your partner. And no, in this particular moment you are NOT allowed to say to me “ Ya but you don’t understand all of the things he/she isn’t doing!” …and why you are so pissed off. That comes later so feel good that you can file it away. Done now? OK let’s continue…back to adoring our partner and not solely thinking about ourselves.

I personally have gone through this with my relationship. The drastic change it can create between you and your partner truly is noteworthy. To be told by your partner of 10 years something what they appreciate about you EVERY SINGLE DAY is truly relationship changing. I’m going to give some random examples below on how to express the gratitude to your partner…You will have different ones.

“Babe I’m so lucky to wake up every day to someone who loves me”
“It’s so awesome to wake up and someone ELSE has already made the coffee. I will never take that for granted ever.” (This can create a moment when you can snuggle into his arms and kiss his cheek, which will make him feel SIGNIFICANT! (A man needing to feel significant is a whole article on it’s own coming very soon.)
“ Hey babe thanks so much for picking up my dry cleaning yesterday… I appreciate how much you love me and do for me.”

Many women start to take for granted their husband’s going to work each day. I see it all the time and it saddens me. I’m not at all saying that what the woman does each day isn’t equally as exhausting or more, and yes your man may over time take that for granted too. But, think about what your financial life could look like if he didn’t exist. I hear women say “Ya but going to work is easy I’ll trade places…” We aren’t talking about you right now though. Remember? That comes later. So let’s be real here. Going every day to work whether it is at an office or the downstairs basement…whether he is employed, or owns his own company, can be super tedious and even SUCK! Men would love to take days off and have no repercussions . Some men don’t even like their job. In fact they may think their job royally sucks. They may be so bored or annoyed they want to tell their boss off and run for the sunset. But they don’t quit. Why is that? Because they know it doesn’t just affect them. Who does it affect then? You. Possibly you and some kids. Don’t forget the mortgage. Now that’s a lot of stress and a big weight isn’t it? Isn’t it? ( No that’s not a typo I meant to write it twice.) I’ve personally always been the 2^nd income. I will admit it full-heartedly. It is still to this day more commonly expected that the man have the FIRST income…and hers be the second income when kids come. You can hate me for saying that but all I do is look around at all of the families that surround me and count who has that set up. Serious majority. That means that in most families the men carry a huge stressor. End of story. Validate that for yourself and then him. Let him whole- heartedly know how much you appreciate everything he does to keep you and your children off the street. Thanks to his contribution you know you have a home to live in, and food on the table for your precious children. Everything else is an amazing HARD EARNED bonus.

Humans can be scared to tell their partner how much they love, appreciate, and need them. Usually because we feel vulnerable and are so concerned that WE need to feel validated by our existence in their life FIRST. I remember a man saying post divorce the reason he didn’t tell his partner that she was beautiful (she was drop dead gorgeous) was he feared it would go to her head, and that she will feel she “has him by the balls” which in another language means he didn’t want to feel vulnerable. It was the same for why he didn’t tell her what an amazing mother she was, and how much he was grateful for the things she did for him. What destroyed that marriage was all of HIS deep seated fears blocking him from being an AWESOME husband which is all that she had wanted.

In my practice with most couples the first thing I get each partner to do before sorting out the issues and challenges is to write out what your partner DOES do to enhance your life. Being the receiver of the love list has brought many to tears. (Joy tears).

Being the giver of the list can reconnect you to your truest self…The generous loving self you actually are, and are craving to be again. The self you had disconnected from.

Try the “Get The Spark Back In Your Relationship” list for yourself! There is a good chance your partner might not be used to your re-awakened adoration, and may think you sniffed something funny. At the end of the day, show them this article and you may get the favor returned. Wink.

Take the first step… Get relationship & marriage counseling today.

Marriage Counseling Vancouver